AFRICA DON'T UNITE!

"Empty your Pockets."

Greetings my Citizens of Chocko-Blocko.

Let me firstly state, I totally embrace the thought of having African roots but not being able to pin point the exact locality of my ancestoral ties has left me feeling a little confused. Hence never brothering to educate my Mamma Mention whenever she bellows "I AM AH JAMAICAN NOT AN AFRICAN". Please comment if you think my mother is right or wrong and please explain why? Not sure about anywhere else in this world but here in Chocko-Blocko Africans control the Parking Wardening franchise and they don't ramp when it comes to empounding your car and imposing heavy duty fines on the general public. Today's Blog is not about 'Hate' it's more about getting 'Even'. Therefore if anyone has ever received a Parking fine from a insensitive African Warden this Blog is dedicated to you.

Enjoy! 

CUT TO.

HEATHROW AIRPORT CAR-PARK(Continuous)

AFRICAN PARKING ATTENDANT.

“The Charge for the ticket is £90, the charge for clamping is £150 and the charge for Towing plus storage is £300…….

UNCLE CHESTER.(interrupting)

 “Vastaman can you go find ah long piece of wood plus ah large rock-stone so dat I can batter so common sense into dis ya hooman’s thick rhino skin”.

AFRICAN PARKING ATTENDANT.(Grinning)

“So di grand total charge to release your car will be £540 plus tax. Di Tax is very important and this fine goes increases by £50 per day, plus tax. Again di Tax is very Important.”

The thought of paying a £540 plus di Tax suddenly ignited Uncle Chester’s ‘Kingston rude-boy’ persona. Within a second the Parking Attendant was in a headlock.

CUT. To be Cont.

RATKO LOVE DI CONGO!

"I'd breed for a Rastaman".

Greetings my Brothers and Sisters of Chock-Blocko. What with 'Dis and Dat' world wide matters such as Ratko Mladic, the former Bosnian Serb general, getting dip and making his first appearance before a UN tribunal in The Hague this coming Friday, I-Man has been really busy trying to decipher if the planet has gone MAD, again? When will it be The UK's PM. David Come-Around turn to stand-up & be grilled at the Hague? Will the citizens of the UK ever smash down Buckingham Place Gates and ditch the Queen? We live in Hope!

Let's get back to my mystic ode, this Blog Opera will make you believe that a Man can fly. Remember this is a Ode about Vastaman 'Jamaica's 1st Superhero'......So STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN!

CUT TO.

HEATHROW AIRPORT, CARPARK. 4.00PM.

After all the back-slapping congratulations from the police and flirting with the fit News-presenter Uncle Chester was feeling on top of the world. My once Militant, don’t take no shit from the system, renegade Uncle was acting like a true believer in English bureaucracy. 

UNCLE CHESTER

“Dis is the best country in the world, bowy mi really rate di Police system!”

FEMALE AFRICAN TRAFFIC ATTENDANT

“Excuse me, Jamaican people. Your Car has been, clamped and towed away”.             

 

CUT TO.

Heathrow Airport Car-Park(Continuous)

The situation was tense. The Female African Traffic Warden could smell the frustration oozing from our Jamaican pours. Uncle Chester snarled at the Traffic warden. The Traffic warden snarled back at Uncle Chester. Mama Mention declared a few incomprehensible quotations from Psalms and then began dipping her head from side to side as if possessed by a demons.  Uncle Chester turned towards me vexed and gave me a, ‘Who’s fault is this’ look.  I just shrugged.

CUT. To be Cont.....

TERRORIST FI RELAX & SMOKE WEED!

"Talk ah di ears Food".

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko,

Today I my Uncle-Buster was honored a Hero. If you where ever confront by a terrorist would you cave-in and whimper of "Get-up-Stand-Fart-pon-Dem-Fi yu-Rights" Read on and please comment on what you would do?

CUT TO.

HEATHROW AIRPORT ARRIVAL LOUNGE. (3:00)

ANNOUNCEMENT (VO)

“Will Mr Buster, Junior, or Mama Mention please make their to the VIP section please”.

Not knowing quite what to expect My mother and I made our way to the designated area and to our surprise were greeted by Uncle Chester, his new fiancée Mampie, Head of Airport police, Head of Airport security, Head of The Head of Airport Staff and TV news Cameras. Uncle Chester was addressing the sexy TV news woman interviewee.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Well darling, everybody knows it bad manners fi bust ah Fart in public, but when it comes to terrorism I make no apology fi mi bodily malfunctions”.

INTERVIEWEE

“So Mr Chester, do you have any words of advice to any other terrorist organisation that might be considering more attacks on these shores”?

UNCLE CHESTER(Directly into Camera)

“firstly  young lady you can cut di formality and address me by my christened name, Estonian. Back to di question. I suggest any terrorist with suicidal tendency fi come down to Uncle-Chester’s Chocko-Blocko Rum Bar, Clap 2 Domino, Rub-ah-dub 3 gyal pon di dance floor, smoke 4 spliff, drink 5 red stripe, lef behind di fuckrey Bom-blast mentality and LEVEL DI VIBE .”

PRISON SEX.

"Kartel Sex Man"

Greetings Brothers & Sisters of Chocko-Blocko. Let's cut to the chase with today's Blog!

Mama & I are at the Airport awaiting my Uncle Chester who's flight from Jamaica seems to be delayed. I am just about to take a call from my Father Daddy Buster who was arrested on the way to the airport for being "Verbally-Lippy-Lippy-Renk" to a traffic Cop. If Prison is supposed to rehabilitate a human, why does so much nastiness occur within the confinements of such institutions? Read on, enjoy and remember "Ah Comment is worth more to me than Fifty Cent". 

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT ARRIVAL LOUNGE. 11.15AM.

The good news was that I stop my mother from assaulting the African Parking attendant but the bad news was that the flight was going to be at least 3 hours late. 

ME

“What do you wanna do mum”?

Mama Mention

“Mi wah gi dat mash-mout, bongo-head Traffic Warden a thump inna har left eye”.

Me

“Do you wanna wait or do you want us to go get dad out of police custody”?  

Mama Mention

“Get yu fada outta police custody? You Mad! I hope dem rape him”.

Me

“I suppose that means we wait.”

 

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT ARRIVAL LOUNGE. 2.15pm

ME

“Baggage in Hall. They’ll be out soon mum”.

SFX: My cell phone.

ME

“Hello”.

DADDY BUSTER(VO)

“Yu nah come get me son”?

ME

“Dad what Police station are you at”?

DADDY BUSTER (VO)

“Di one near di raatid Airport! Now hurry up and come release me. (Whispering) Listen son dem lock me up wid ah Man name Jane Mantel who just warn me dat when the moon comes up he going to oil me & grind me”.

CUT. To be Cont.

AFRICAN CAR PARK SHARK!

FADE-IN:

HEATHROW AIRPORT CARPARK. 10:35AM.(Same day).

History dictates that all in-coming flights from Jamaica are always Late. Why? Some say it’s to mess with the drug-mules metabolic clock, others say “Jamaicans are so laid back they don’t give a damn about time, so why rush”. My notion is simple, the uprising of the MAROONS (Rebellious Jamaican Slaves) which eventually forced the English Government into signing a peace treaty in 1738.  Basically the British Government still hold a grudge against the manner in which they got a bloody good hiding from Cujoe & Nanny (Maroon heros).

Let's not dwell on the past Citizens of Chocko-Blocko, no let's find out what's about to happen in todays Blog Opera, at the Airport carpark. Why do some African's considers the occupation of being a Traffic Warden a 'licence to kill?' Read on and enjoy, please feel free to comment.

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT CARPARK. 10:40AM.

Female African Parking Attendant.

“I hope you have your correct ticket”?

ME.

“Excuse me”?

Female African Parking Attendant.

“Are you deaf”?

ME.

“No”.

Female African Parking Attendant.

“Then make sure you don’t try and con di system, you Jamaican people are always trying to upset the statuesque”. Now move along before I give you a ticket for answering me back”.

Yes it’s true, no matter what you may have read about Bob Marley or Marcus Garvey, Africans and Jamaicans generally hate each others guts.

Al-Qaeda Smells Uncle-Chester!

Greetings my Good Citizens of Chocko-Blocko,

It's Saturday in another dimension but in Chocko-Blocko time is more or less form of speech which as nothing to do with outcomes. We don't watch time in Choko-Blocko. I am not going to mix my words today, all I'll say is if you never read the last Blog you'll be wondering why my Uncle-Chester is being held at Gun Point in the Airport by a suspected member of Al-Qaeda? The Gun is fully loaded with live rounds and the Gun-Man means business.

Read on my Citizens, ever remember where there is a will, there a way. Who dares wins. 'Gone in  with one click of the trigger' or 'Gone with the Wind'.  Enjoy the blog and please leave your comments.

Cut to:

"Quick fi Yerry, Slow fi Speak".

Int: Heathrow, Passport Checkpoint. (Continuous)

ARABIC GENTLEMAN.

“In the name of Allah everybody lay down on the ground, or else I will kill this innocent man”.

Within seconds everybody assumed the position. Has if anticipating the situation Armed response Police strategically trained their high powered rifles at the suspected terrorist.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Listen bowy, if you know what’s good for you drop di Gun and Run”!

Upon hearing Chester’s ridiculous advice the terrorist violently gun butted my Uncle on the forehead. Once again, just like on the plane when Mampie startled her Champion love, the gun-butt triggered off another powerhouse fart from Chester’s fully-loaded batty. The smell was so overwhelming that the terrorist fainted. 

Cut. To be Cont.

GUN-MAN!

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko.

Even since i embraced my Jamaican roots i've earnestly delved into reading books on the History of the Island. Chocko-Blocko reminds me of Jamaica in two words "No Justice". Yes my people! Jamaican history dictates that the poor usually stay poor and rich often get richer. Please don't get me wrong because i live in Chocko-Blocko where survival entails you having '9 lives' plus a vituous nature. At times i get mystified by the amount of Jamaican's who are so eager to fly off their native Island. Do i sound like i am contradicting myself? 

There is one strong benificial aspect of living in Jamaica and it stems from two word "Benevolence & Charity", yep i got to keep it real. The Rich do give to the poor and the Rich do promote Charitable causes which enables the Poorer classes to empower themselves and seek a better future. Does this happen in Chocko-Blocko? Hell no!

Ok! Time to just jump off my "Give Thanks, Amen" soup box and get back to the Blog-Opera Drama. Uncle Chester and Mampie are about clear UK customs. Will the Officials be able to understands Mampie Raw-Chaw Patios? Enjoy the read and don't forget to comment.  

Cut to:

Int: Heathrow, Passport Checkpoint. 2.45

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Now remember weh me tell you fi seh?”

  

WOMAN CUSTOMS OFFICER.

“Next!”

Scared witless, Mampie hesitated.

WOMAN CUSTOMS OFFICER.

“Please come forward miss.”

Uncle Chester clasped Mampie’s hand and whispered.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Remember answer di woman inna yu best English Speakie-Spokey fashion.” 

Reluctantly Mampie made her way toward the stern looking woman. Suddenly an Arabic gentleman nimbly established a Headlock on Uncle Chester then planted a Nine millimetre automatic pistol against his skull.

Cut. To be Cont....

DRUG MULE.



Vastaman noh deal wid Class-A.


Greetings my illustrious members of Chocko-Blocko. Hope your enjoying my daily Blog-Opera. Everyday I'll recite classic odes surrounding my life and times in the Fictitious City of Chocko-Blocko. It was in this City i was resurrected and obtained Superhero status, but let's not dwell on the future let's focus of the present.
OK my Mother and i are about to collect my Uncle Chester from the Airport. He is on a incoming flight from Sunny Jamaica but unfortunately a sudden tragic occurrence is about to delay the flight.
Remember Citizen's feel free to comment on each topic within each Blog. For example, why are Jamaican always being accused of smuggling drugs?
Enjoy the Blog.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340(Landed). 1:30pm.

Two hours after Uncles Chester’s flight had landed the passengers were finally given permission to disembark the plane and go collect their Luggage. The Police and Custom officer were ecstatic because they had captured Ten-Kilo’s of the finest Peruvian-Flake. Air Jamaica on the other hand were stressed because Passenger G-34, a White female Drug-mule, was pronounced dead on arrival. All the Black Jamaican's on the flight held there heads high approaching customs whiles a few of the White passingers could be heard sheepishly mumbling "I hope they don't think we we're staying at the same Negril Hotel as her? I mean we saw her on the beach everyday being fondled & Kissed by a different Renta-Dread." Some even muttered "So well spoken, she was apprently educated at Oxford".  

To be Cont.

"STALE BEEF PATTY FART"

"Never Break wind on A Plane".

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko!

So far we're on incoming Flight A340 from Kingston, Jamaica. My Uncle Chester is about to be awoken by his future intended. Remember please feel free to leave Comments on each Blog-Opera i post, feedback is good for the soul. Each on teach one? Further more I am sure there are many reading this whom have gone abroad, fallen in love and taken that giant step bringing their Cupid-one back to your home land to meet your family? Are you still with that lover or have things turned sour? Stella doesn't always get her GROVE! Enjoy today's Blog Opera.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:20am

Just like a Ninja assassin Mampie placed her index finger and thumb upon Uncle Chester neck. She then gathered a flab of flesh and gave him on almighty pinch. Uncle Chester leaped 5-feet in the air smashing his head on the panelling above.

UNCLE CHESTER(vex)

“Ah weh di Raas-Claat yu tink yu ah do?”

Due to pain, shock plus the copious amount of booze consumed. Uncle Chester turned his backside towards Mampie and accidentally emitted a Beef-Patty scented fart directly into her face.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. (Continuous)

MAMPIE

“Woyoy! Chester yu cut-fart pon mi! Ah gwaan batta-batta yu inside ya today.”

Before Mampie could stab Uncle Chester in his left earlobe with her Airline issued Plastic Knife a sudden interruption occurred.

FLIGHT CAPTAIN.

“Ladies and Gentlemen is there a Doctor or Nurse on the Plane?”

A white, blond haired, blue eye English woman sitting in row G-34 had gone into convulsions.

To be Con't.

SIGNAL DI PLANE!

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. After all that drama on the way too Airport to collect my Uncle Chester, with my mum getting a ticket for driving to slow on the Freeway and Dad being arrested by the same office for being rude, it's looks like my Uncle Chester is is about to encounter his own problems on the flight. Read on. 

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:00am

FLIGHT CAPTAIN(VO).

“Ladies and Gentlemen thanks for flying Air Jamaica. Flight Attendants please prepare for Landing.”

Alarmed by the Captain’s promptitude my Uncle Chester’s future intended Wife Mampie panicked. Mampie suffered from illiteracy and couldn’t fill out her Customs and Visa forms. During the 10 hour fight Uncle Chester had devoured 2 bottles of Champagne, 1 bottle of White Rum and 25 Red-Stripes. Deep Sleep was his only option.

 

Cut to: Con't

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:15am

FLIGHT CAPTAIN(VO).

“Ladies and Gentlemen air traffic control has notified me that there will be a slight delay.”

AIR HOSTESS(VO).

“Passengers please make sure your Visa and Customs forms are completed correctly.”

Excessive amounts of sweat began to gush from Mampie’s armpits and Forehead. How was she going to wake the drunken comatose Uncle Chester? When your Raised in the ghetto’s of Kingston and you have problems sometimes the only option is violence.

 

To Be Con't.

INTER-GALACTIC LEG-MAN! (Part 1).

Cheers Citizens of Chocko-Blocko! Uncle Chester here and Inter-Galactic Leg Man Business is I-man Game. Yea dats rights I-man deal wid Raw-Chaw World News. Most news permeates from ah rum-bar and todays edition is beamed live and direct from ah little Palm-Wine Bar five minutes from Ozzie-Man Bin Laden lavish crib in di heart of Abbottaba. 
Dub-Dub Ali Moser has owned "Palm-Fan-Fan-Oasis" Bar for 20 years and dis is the story he told your truly......
"F-----K me! Sorry for swearing Allah, but I've had too many-many Palm wines....'Burp-Burp'.... Ozzie Bin Laden was one of my best costumers. Yea he used to drink in here with some local Al-Qaeda bad boys and Pakistani Army Generals. The Bloody Army General always got out of hand due to there excessive intake of Johnny Walker Whiskey. Now we have it from a good source that one of the Al-Qaeda chaps was a undercover CIA agent, also hours before Ozzie was in my Bar drinking Palm Wine with pretty Blond who we're told was also a undercover CIA male agent in Drag....Can you Bloody believe that? Ozzie left staggering hugging this Drag artiste vowing to make her his 20th wife."

I-man decided to stop Dub-Dub because that type of False inflammatory information could cause dis ya Inter-Galactic Leg-Man a hole heap of trouble!!!!!

"Dub-Dub were running out of time but could you tell us was if Mr Bin Laden attempted to resist being captured?"

Dub-Dub replied, "Are you Bloody crazy Chester? How can a Man resist being captured by ten highly trained USA Navy-Whales with only one Sliver-tooth and an 10 inch Erection.........."

Well Citizens of Chocko-Blocko there you have it from a reputed champion Bar owner in Abbottaba of what he believes happened that fateful day. Cheers! Drink-up and drive home safely this is Uncle Chester your Inter-Galactic Leg-Man. 

MY DAD GOT ARRESTED.

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. Real sorry about not postings your mystic ode yesterday but I just had to reflect on state of the present world affairs. As The late great Bob Marley once sung "We've got some much tings to say right now...".

The great news is my Uncle Chester has volunteered to become VASTAMAN-VIBRATIONS very own "Inter-Galactic Long-Leg Man." Live and direct from his infamous "Uncle Chester's Rum-Bar" in the Heart of Chocko-Blocko he'll bring you the Citizens news, views and his own quirky analysis on world affairs.

OK lets continue our Mystic journey beyond ecosphere as we know it:

I am on the way to the Airport to collect my Uncle Chester returning back from a 6 month break in Jamaica. My Mother Mamma mention is cruising 15mph in the fast lane along the highway, my Father Daddy-Buster is drunk plus being a pain in the arse and i am acting like Mills Lane the revered boxing referee, having to prevent my parents for killing each other............O yea nearly forgot, we've just been pull over by a cop and my Father has is about to receive a gift from John-Law.

Ext: A40 Hard-Shoulder. 10:00am

DADDY BUSTER is known in the Choco-Blocko community as the King of Backchat. Meaning that he will always answer you back.

 

POLICE OFFICER.

I am going to have to issue you with a ticket for reckless driving Mrs Mention and your Husband is being arrested for insulting a Police Officer. Now if you’ve really got a plane to meet I suggest you and your son leave immediately.

CUT TO:

Int: Car: A40 Highway. 10:09am

It’s never nice to see your own Father Pepper spayed and then handcuffed. I suppose Head butting & kneeing a Police officer in the nut-sack should constitute some form of restraint. My Dad nearly brought unwanted attention on me, plus he was pissing my Mamma-Mention off so we were happy to see the back of him. Next stop the Airport.

To be Con't....

DRIVE BY CHOCKO-BLOCKO.

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. Be prepared to enter my world of Good & Evil, I am not trying to be grim and i shall not deceive or fill you with false illusions. My life is a Script you my Friends and Citizens are directors and players. Welcome again to fictional city of Chocko-Blocko and Welcome to the world of VASTAMAN 'Jamaica's first superhero'.

There's so much more to explain about my acquired mystic status but for now let me just Blog-Opera my profane life ode's to one all. Daily i'll Blog-Opera my mystic journey towards Resurrection and Superhero staus but i'll always endeveour to Blog-comment on Topicical events which continusly eminates from our ever orbital Earth. Just like City of Abbottabad in Pakistan, Camden Town in London City, Flatbush in New York City, Mitaka, in Tokyo City, Badagry in the City of Lagos, Half way Tree in Kingston City Jamaica, West Hollywood in Los Angeles, and even Dubna in the City of Moscow, Vastaman's city of Chocko-Clocko is just like any urban City.

Best of luck in BLOG-OPERA, Visit any time your now a Citizen, air your views, get invovled,  just make yourself feel at home this is your city and did someone just mention Bin-Laden???? 

Drive By;

Int: Car, A40 Highway. 8:00 am.

On the Streets off Choco-Blocko citizens call me Vastaman. My Mother, Mama Mention, named me after my father so whenever my parents bellow my name they address me as Junior. Who gives a damn I hear you ask? I do! Because the citizens of Choco-Blocko plus Mama Mention call my father Daddy Buster. Confused? You will be.

CUT TO:

Int: Car: A40 Highway. 8:00am. (Continuous)

DADDY BUSTER

Press-gas di plane soon Land. Your driving like Gaddafi impose sanctions? Drive faster woman!

MAMA MENTION

Junior tell you fada fi shout-up.

VASTAMAN

Mum can you stop calling me Junior.

MAMA MENTION

But me name you after you fada.

VASTAMAN

Yea and you hate him.

DADDY BUSTER

Listen Woman, me know dat yu  hate my guts but you CANNOT drive 10mph in the 80mph fast land!

MAMA MENTION

Junior ask you fada why I hate him.

VASTAMAN

After you answer the Police. They’re signalling you to pull over.

CUT TO:

Int: Car: A40 Hard-Shoulder. 8:45am.

Back in 1998 i served 3 years in prison for smuggling 1 pound of High grade ganga from Amsterdam. Ever since my release I’ve kept my Hustle tight. For instance it came has no surprise to me that my illegal Dutch activities were being monitored by a member of the Choco-Blocko community. What we call a RAT! I just want keep my nose clean, keep out of trouble. Now the Cop's are pulling my 65 year old Mother over for driving to slow. 

CUT TO:

Ext: A40 Hard-Shoulder. 8:55am.

POLICE OFFICER

Do you normally Drink Overproof Jamaican White Rum at this time of the Morning Sir?

DADDY BUSTER.

Yea Man! Yu done nuh….Burp! Yu ever drink ‘Reel-Up-Tan-Pon-It-Long-Depth-Charge-Run-Up-And-Down-Pickeny-Come-Down-And-Magnum?’ Burp!

POLICE OFFICER.

Pardon? Don’t get lippy with me Son.

DADDY BUSTER.

Mi look like yu Daddy?

POLICE OFFICER.

Step out of the Car and keep your hands where i can see them.

CUT.

To be Con't.