AFRICA DON'T UNITE!

"Empty your Pockets."

Greetings my Citizens of Chocko-Blocko.

Let me firstly state, I totally embrace the thought of having African roots but not being able to pin point the exact locality of my ancestoral ties has left me feeling a little confused. Hence never brothering to educate my Mamma Mention whenever she bellows "I AM AH JAMAICAN NOT AN AFRICAN". Please comment if you think my mother is right or wrong and please explain why? Not sure about anywhere else in this world but here in Chocko-Blocko Africans control the Parking Wardening franchise and they don't ramp when it comes to empounding your car and imposing heavy duty fines on the general public. Today's Blog is not about 'Hate' it's more about getting 'Even'. Therefore if anyone has ever received a Parking fine from a insensitive African Warden this Blog is dedicated to you.

Enjoy! 

CUT TO.

HEATHROW AIRPORT CAR-PARK(Continuous)

AFRICAN PARKING ATTENDANT.

“The Charge for the ticket is £90, the charge for clamping is £150 and the charge for Towing plus storage is £300…….

UNCLE CHESTER.(interrupting)

 “Vastaman can you go find ah long piece of wood plus ah large rock-stone so dat I can batter so common sense into dis ya hooman’s thick rhino skin”.

AFRICAN PARKING ATTENDANT.(Grinning)

“So di grand total charge to release your car will be £540 plus tax. Di Tax is very important and this fine goes increases by £50 per day, plus tax. Again di Tax is very Important.”

The thought of paying a £540 plus di Tax suddenly ignited Uncle Chester’s ‘Kingston rude-boy’ persona. Within a second the Parking Attendant was in a headlock.

CUT. To be Cont.

RATKO LOVE DI CONGO!

"I'd breed for a Rastaman".

Greetings my Brothers and Sisters of Chock-Blocko. What with 'Dis and Dat' world wide matters such as Ratko Mladic, the former Bosnian Serb general, getting dip and making his first appearance before a UN tribunal in The Hague this coming Friday, I-Man has been really busy trying to decipher if the planet has gone MAD, again? When will it be The UK's PM. David Come-Around turn to stand-up & be grilled at the Hague? Will the citizens of the UK ever smash down Buckingham Place Gates and ditch the Queen? We live in Hope!

Let's get back to my mystic ode, this Blog Opera will make you believe that a Man can fly. Remember this is a Ode about Vastaman 'Jamaica's 1st Superhero'......So STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN!

CUT TO.

HEATHROW AIRPORT, CARPARK. 4.00PM.

After all the back-slapping congratulations from the police and flirting with the fit News-presenter Uncle Chester was feeling on top of the world. My once Militant, don’t take no shit from the system, renegade Uncle was acting like a true believer in English bureaucracy. 

UNCLE CHESTER

“Dis is the best country in the world, bowy mi really rate di Police system!”

FEMALE AFRICAN TRAFFIC ATTENDANT

“Excuse me, Jamaican people. Your Car has been, clamped and towed away”.             

 

CUT TO.

Heathrow Airport Car-Park(Continuous)

The situation was tense. The Female African Traffic Warden could smell the frustration oozing from our Jamaican pours. Uncle Chester snarled at the Traffic warden. The Traffic warden snarled back at Uncle Chester. Mama Mention declared a few incomprehensible quotations from Psalms and then began dipping her head from side to side as if possessed by a demons.  Uncle Chester turned towards me vexed and gave me a, ‘Who’s fault is this’ look.  I just shrugged.

CUT. To be Cont.....

TERRORIST FI RELAX & SMOKE WEED!

"Talk ah di ears Food".

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko,

Today I my Uncle-Buster was honored a Hero. If you where ever confront by a terrorist would you cave-in and whimper of "Get-up-Stand-Fart-pon-Dem-Fi yu-Rights" Read on and please comment on what you would do?

CUT TO.

HEATHROW AIRPORT ARRIVAL LOUNGE. (3:00)

ANNOUNCEMENT (VO)

“Will Mr Buster, Junior, or Mama Mention please make their to the VIP section please”.

Not knowing quite what to expect My mother and I made our way to the designated area and to our surprise were greeted by Uncle Chester, his new fiancée Mampie, Head of Airport police, Head of Airport security, Head of The Head of Airport Staff and TV news Cameras. Uncle Chester was addressing the sexy TV news woman interviewee.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Well darling, everybody knows it bad manners fi bust ah Fart in public, but when it comes to terrorism I make no apology fi mi bodily malfunctions”.

INTERVIEWEE

“So Mr Chester, do you have any words of advice to any other terrorist organisation that might be considering more attacks on these shores”?

UNCLE CHESTER(Directly into Camera)

“firstly  young lady you can cut di formality and address me by my christened name, Estonian. Back to di question. I suggest any terrorist with suicidal tendency fi come down to Uncle-Chester’s Chocko-Blocko Rum Bar, Clap 2 Domino, Rub-ah-dub 3 gyal pon di dance floor, smoke 4 spliff, drink 5 red stripe, lef behind di fuckrey Bom-blast mentality and LEVEL DI VIBE .”

PRISON SEX.

"Kartel Sex Man"

Greetings Brothers & Sisters of Chocko-Blocko. Let's cut to the chase with today's Blog!

Mama & I are at the Airport awaiting my Uncle Chester who's flight from Jamaica seems to be delayed. I am just about to take a call from my Father Daddy Buster who was arrested on the way to the airport for being "Verbally-Lippy-Lippy-Renk" to a traffic Cop. If Prison is supposed to rehabilitate a human, why does so much nastiness occur within the confinements of such institutions? Read on, enjoy and remember "Ah Comment is worth more to me than Fifty Cent". 

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT ARRIVAL LOUNGE. 11.15AM.

The good news was that I stop my mother from assaulting the African Parking attendant but the bad news was that the flight was going to be at least 3 hours late. 

ME

“What do you wanna do mum”?

Mama Mention

“Mi wah gi dat mash-mout, bongo-head Traffic Warden a thump inna har left eye”.

Me

“Do you wanna wait or do you want us to go get dad out of police custody”?  

Mama Mention

“Get yu fada outta police custody? You Mad! I hope dem rape him”.

Me

“I suppose that means we wait.”

 

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT ARRIVAL LOUNGE. 2.15pm

ME

“Baggage in Hall. They’ll be out soon mum”.

SFX: My cell phone.

ME

“Hello”.

DADDY BUSTER(VO)

“Yu nah come get me son”?

ME

“Dad what Police station are you at”?

DADDY BUSTER (VO)

“Di one near di raatid Airport! Now hurry up and come release me. (Whispering) Listen son dem lock me up wid ah Man name Jane Mantel who just warn me dat when the moon comes up he going to oil me & grind me”.

CUT. To be Cont.

AFRICAN CAR PARK SHARK!

FADE-IN:

HEATHROW AIRPORT CARPARK. 10:35AM.(Same day).

History dictates that all in-coming flights from Jamaica are always Late. Why? Some say it’s to mess with the drug-mules metabolic clock, others say “Jamaicans are so laid back they don’t give a damn about time, so why rush”. My notion is simple, the uprising of the MAROONS (Rebellious Jamaican Slaves) which eventually forced the English Government into signing a peace treaty in 1738.  Basically the British Government still hold a grudge against the manner in which they got a bloody good hiding from Cujoe & Nanny (Maroon heros).

Let's not dwell on the past Citizens of Chocko-Blocko, no let's find out what's about to happen in todays Blog Opera, at the Airport carpark. Why do some African's considers the occupation of being a Traffic Warden a 'licence to kill?' Read on and enjoy, please feel free to comment.

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT CARPARK. 10:40AM.

Female African Parking Attendant.

“I hope you have your correct ticket”?

ME.

“Excuse me”?

Female African Parking Attendant.

“Are you deaf”?

ME.

“No”.

Female African Parking Attendant.

“Then make sure you don’t try and con di system, you Jamaican people are always trying to upset the statuesque”. Now move along before I give you a ticket for answering me back”.

Yes it’s true, no matter what you may have read about Bob Marley or Marcus Garvey, Africans and Jamaicans generally hate each others guts.

Al-Qaeda Smells Uncle-Chester!

Greetings my Good Citizens of Chocko-Blocko,

It's Saturday in another dimension but in Chocko-Blocko time is more or less form of speech which as nothing to do with outcomes. We don't watch time in Choko-Blocko. I am not going to mix my words today, all I'll say is if you never read the last Blog you'll be wondering why my Uncle-Chester is being held at Gun Point in the Airport by a suspected member of Al-Qaeda? The Gun is fully loaded with live rounds and the Gun-Man means business.

Read on my Citizens, ever remember where there is a will, there a way. Who dares wins. 'Gone in  with one click of the trigger' or 'Gone with the Wind'.  Enjoy the blog and please leave your comments.

Cut to:

"Quick fi Yerry, Slow fi Speak".

Int: Heathrow, Passport Checkpoint. (Continuous)

ARABIC GENTLEMAN.

“In the name of Allah everybody lay down on the ground, or else I will kill this innocent man”.

Within seconds everybody assumed the position. Has if anticipating the situation Armed response Police strategically trained their high powered rifles at the suspected terrorist.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Listen bowy, if you know what’s good for you drop di Gun and Run”!

Upon hearing Chester’s ridiculous advice the terrorist violently gun butted my Uncle on the forehead. Once again, just like on the plane when Mampie startled her Champion love, the gun-butt triggered off another powerhouse fart from Chester’s fully-loaded batty. The smell was so overwhelming that the terrorist fainted. 

Cut. To be Cont.

GUN-MAN!

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko.

Even since i embraced my Jamaican roots i've earnestly delved into reading books on the History of the Island. Chocko-Blocko reminds me of Jamaica in two words "No Justice". Yes my people! Jamaican history dictates that the poor usually stay poor and rich often get richer. Please don't get me wrong because i live in Chocko-Blocko where survival entails you having '9 lives' plus a vituous nature. At times i get mystified by the amount of Jamaican's who are so eager to fly off their native Island. Do i sound like i am contradicting myself? 

There is one strong benificial aspect of living in Jamaica and it stems from two word "Benevolence & Charity", yep i got to keep it real. The Rich do give to the poor and the Rich do promote Charitable causes which enables the Poorer classes to empower themselves and seek a better future. Does this happen in Chocko-Blocko? Hell no!

Ok! Time to just jump off my "Give Thanks, Amen" soup box and get back to the Blog-Opera Drama. Uncle Chester and Mampie are about clear UK customs. Will the Officials be able to understands Mampie Raw-Chaw Patios? Enjoy the read and don't forget to comment.  

Cut to:

Int: Heathrow, Passport Checkpoint. 2.45

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Now remember weh me tell you fi seh?”

  

WOMAN CUSTOMS OFFICER.

“Next!”

Scared witless, Mampie hesitated.

WOMAN CUSTOMS OFFICER.

“Please come forward miss.”

Uncle Chester clasped Mampie’s hand and whispered.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Remember answer di woman inna yu best English Speakie-Spokey fashion.” 

Reluctantly Mampie made her way toward the stern looking woman. Suddenly an Arabic gentleman nimbly established a Headlock on Uncle Chester then planted a Nine millimetre automatic pistol against his skull.

Cut. To be Cont....