AFRICAN CAR PARK SHARK!

FADE-IN:

HEATHROW AIRPORT CARPARK. 10:35AM.(Same day).

History dictates that all in-coming flights from Jamaica are always Late. Why? Some say it’s to mess with the drug-mules metabolic clock, others say “Jamaicans are so laid back they don’t give a damn about time, so why rush”. My notion is simple, the uprising of the MAROONS (Rebellious Jamaican Slaves) which eventually forced the English Government into signing a peace treaty in 1738.  Basically the British Government still hold a grudge against the manner in which they got a bloody good hiding from Cujoe & Nanny (Maroon heros).

Let's not dwell on the past Citizens of Chocko-Blocko, no let's find out what's about to happen in todays Blog Opera, at the Airport carpark. Why do some African's considers the occupation of being a Traffic Warden a 'licence to kill?' Read on and enjoy, please feel free to comment.

CUT TO:

HEATHROW AIRPORT CARPARK. 10:40AM.

Female African Parking Attendant.

“I hope you have your correct ticket”?

ME.

“Excuse me”?

Female African Parking Attendant.

“Are you deaf”?

ME.

“No”.

Female African Parking Attendant.

“Then make sure you don’t try and con di system, you Jamaican people are always trying to upset the statuesque”. Now move along before I give you a ticket for answering me back”.

Yes it’s true, no matter what you may have read about Bob Marley or Marcus Garvey, Africans and Jamaicans generally hate each others guts.

Al-Qaeda Smells Uncle-Chester!

Greetings my Good Citizens of Chocko-Blocko,

It's Saturday in another dimension but in Chocko-Blocko time is more or less form of speech which as nothing to do with outcomes. We don't watch time in Choko-Blocko. I am not going to mix my words today, all I'll say is if you never read the last Blog you'll be wondering why my Uncle-Chester is being held at Gun Point in the Airport by a suspected member of Al-Qaeda? The Gun is fully loaded with live rounds and the Gun-Man means business.

Read on my Citizens, ever remember where there is a will, there a way. Who dares wins. 'Gone in  with one click of the trigger' or 'Gone with the Wind'.  Enjoy the blog and please leave your comments.

Cut to:

"Quick fi Yerry, Slow fi Speak".

Int: Heathrow, Passport Checkpoint. (Continuous)

ARABIC GENTLEMAN.

“In the name of Allah everybody lay down on the ground, or else I will kill this innocent man”.

Within seconds everybody assumed the position. Has if anticipating the situation Armed response Police strategically trained their high powered rifles at the suspected terrorist.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Listen bowy, if you know what’s good for you drop di Gun and Run”!

Upon hearing Chester’s ridiculous advice the terrorist violently gun butted my Uncle on the forehead. Once again, just like on the plane when Mampie startled her Champion love, the gun-butt triggered off another powerhouse fart from Chester’s fully-loaded batty. The smell was so overwhelming that the terrorist fainted. 

Cut. To be Cont.

GUN-MAN!

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko.

Even since i embraced my Jamaican roots i've earnestly delved into reading books on the History of the Island. Chocko-Blocko reminds me of Jamaica in two words "No Justice". Yes my people! Jamaican history dictates that the poor usually stay poor and rich often get richer. Please don't get me wrong because i live in Chocko-Blocko where survival entails you having '9 lives' plus a vituous nature. At times i get mystified by the amount of Jamaican's who are so eager to fly off their native Island. Do i sound like i am contradicting myself? 

There is one strong benificial aspect of living in Jamaica and it stems from two word "Benevolence & Charity", yep i got to keep it real. The Rich do give to the poor and the Rich do promote Charitable causes which enables the Poorer classes to empower themselves and seek a better future. Does this happen in Chocko-Blocko? Hell no!

Ok! Time to just jump off my "Give Thanks, Amen" soup box and get back to the Blog-Opera Drama. Uncle Chester and Mampie are about clear UK customs. Will the Officials be able to understands Mampie Raw-Chaw Patios? Enjoy the read and don't forget to comment.  

Cut to:

Int: Heathrow, Passport Checkpoint. 2.45

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Now remember weh me tell you fi seh?”

  

WOMAN CUSTOMS OFFICER.

“Next!”

Scared witless, Mampie hesitated.

WOMAN CUSTOMS OFFICER.

“Please come forward miss.”

Uncle Chester clasped Mampie’s hand and whispered.

UNCLE CHESTER.

“Remember answer di woman inna yu best English Speakie-Spokey fashion.” 

Reluctantly Mampie made her way toward the stern looking woman. Suddenly an Arabic gentleman nimbly established a Headlock on Uncle Chester then planted a Nine millimetre automatic pistol against his skull.

Cut. To be Cont....

DRUG MULE.



Vastaman noh deal wid Class-A.


Greetings my illustrious members of Chocko-Blocko. Hope your enjoying my daily Blog-Opera. Everyday I'll recite classic odes surrounding my life and times in the Fictitious City of Chocko-Blocko. It was in this City i was resurrected and obtained Superhero status, but let's not dwell on the future let's focus of the present.
OK my Mother and i are about to collect my Uncle Chester from the Airport. He is on a incoming flight from Sunny Jamaica but unfortunately a sudden tragic occurrence is about to delay the flight.
Remember Citizen's feel free to comment on each topic within each Blog. For example, why are Jamaican always being accused of smuggling drugs?
Enjoy the Blog.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340(Landed). 1:30pm.

Two hours after Uncles Chester’s flight had landed the passengers were finally given permission to disembark the plane and go collect their Luggage. The Police and Custom officer were ecstatic because they had captured Ten-Kilo’s of the finest Peruvian-Flake. Air Jamaica on the other hand were stressed because Passenger G-34, a White female Drug-mule, was pronounced dead on arrival. All the Black Jamaican's on the flight held there heads high approaching customs whiles a few of the White passingers could be heard sheepishly mumbling "I hope they don't think we we're staying at the same Negril Hotel as her? I mean we saw her on the beach everyday being fondled & Kissed by a different Renta-Dread." Some even muttered "So well spoken, she was apprently educated at Oxford".  

To be Cont.

"STALE BEEF PATTY FART"

"Never Break wind on A Plane".

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko!

So far we're on incoming Flight A340 from Kingston, Jamaica. My Uncle Chester is about to be awoken by his future intended. Remember please feel free to leave Comments on each Blog-Opera i post, feedback is good for the soul. Each on teach one? Further more I am sure there are many reading this whom have gone abroad, fallen in love and taken that giant step bringing their Cupid-one back to your home land to meet your family? Are you still with that lover or have things turned sour? Stella doesn't always get her GROVE! Enjoy today's Blog Opera.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:20am

Just like a Ninja assassin Mampie placed her index finger and thumb upon Uncle Chester neck. She then gathered a flab of flesh and gave him on almighty pinch. Uncle Chester leaped 5-feet in the air smashing his head on the panelling above.

UNCLE CHESTER(vex)

“Ah weh di Raas-Claat yu tink yu ah do?”

Due to pain, shock plus the copious amount of booze consumed. Uncle Chester turned his backside towards Mampie and accidentally emitted a Beef-Patty scented fart directly into her face.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. (Continuous)

MAMPIE

“Woyoy! Chester yu cut-fart pon mi! Ah gwaan batta-batta yu inside ya today.”

Before Mampie could stab Uncle Chester in his left earlobe with her Airline issued Plastic Knife a sudden interruption occurred.

FLIGHT CAPTAIN.

“Ladies and Gentlemen is there a Doctor or Nurse on the Plane?”

A white, blond haired, blue eye English woman sitting in row G-34 had gone into convulsions.

To be Con't.

SIGNAL DI PLANE!

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. After all that drama on the way too Airport to collect my Uncle Chester, with my mum getting a ticket for driving to slow on the Freeway and Dad being arrested by the same office for being rude, it's looks like my Uncle Chester is is about to encounter his own problems on the flight. Read on. 

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:00am

FLIGHT CAPTAIN(VO).

“Ladies and Gentlemen thanks for flying Air Jamaica. Flight Attendants please prepare for Landing.”

Alarmed by the Captain’s promptitude my Uncle Chester’s future intended Wife Mampie panicked. Mampie suffered from illiteracy and couldn’t fill out her Customs and Visa forms. During the 10 hour fight Uncle Chester had devoured 2 bottles of Champagne, 1 bottle of White Rum and 25 Red-Stripes. Deep Sleep was his only option.

 

Cut to: Con't

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:15am

FLIGHT CAPTAIN(VO).

“Ladies and Gentlemen air traffic control has notified me that there will be a slight delay.”

AIR HOSTESS(VO).

“Passengers please make sure your Visa and Customs forms are completed correctly.”

Excessive amounts of sweat began to gush from Mampie’s armpits and Forehead. How was she going to wake the drunken comatose Uncle Chester? When your Raised in the ghetto’s of Kingston and you have problems sometimes the only option is violence.

 

To Be Con't.

INTER-GALACTIC LEG-MAN! (Part 1).

Cheers Citizens of Chocko-Blocko! Uncle Chester here and Inter-Galactic Leg Man Business is I-man Game. Yea dats rights I-man deal wid Raw-Chaw World News. Most news permeates from ah rum-bar and todays edition is beamed live and direct from ah little Palm-Wine Bar five minutes from Ozzie-Man Bin Laden lavish crib in di heart of Abbottaba. 
Dub-Dub Ali Moser has owned "Palm-Fan-Fan-Oasis" Bar for 20 years and dis is the story he told your truly......
"F-----K me! Sorry for swearing Allah, but I've had too many-many Palm wines....'Burp-Burp'.... Ozzie Bin Laden was one of my best costumers. Yea he used to drink in here with some local Al-Qaeda bad boys and Pakistani Army Generals. The Bloody Army General always got out of hand due to there excessive intake of Johnny Walker Whiskey. Now we have it from a good source that one of the Al-Qaeda chaps was a undercover CIA agent, also hours before Ozzie was in my Bar drinking Palm Wine with pretty Blond who we're told was also a undercover CIA male agent in Drag....Can you Bloody believe that? Ozzie left staggering hugging this Drag artiste vowing to make her his 20th wife."

I-man decided to stop Dub-Dub because that type of False inflammatory information could cause dis ya Inter-Galactic Leg-Man a hole heap of trouble!!!!!

"Dub-Dub were running out of time but could you tell us was if Mr Bin Laden attempted to resist being captured?"

Dub-Dub replied, "Are you Bloody crazy Chester? How can a Man resist being captured by ten highly trained USA Navy-Whales with only one Sliver-tooth and an 10 inch Erection.........."

Well Citizens of Chocko-Blocko there you have it from a reputed champion Bar owner in Abbottaba of what he believes happened that fateful day. Cheers! Drink-up and drive home safely this is Uncle Chester your Inter-Galactic Leg-Man.