"STALE BEEF PATTY FART"

"Never Break wind on A Plane".

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko!

So far we're on incoming Flight A340 from Kingston, Jamaica. My Uncle Chester is about to be awoken by his future intended. Remember please feel free to leave Comments on each Blog-Opera i post, feedback is good for the soul. Each on teach one? Further more I am sure there are many reading this whom have gone abroad, fallen in love and taken that giant step bringing their Cupid-one back to your home land to meet your family? Are you still with that lover or have things turned sour? Stella doesn't always get her GROVE! Enjoy today's Blog Opera.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:20am

Just like a Ninja assassin Mampie placed her index finger and thumb upon Uncle Chester neck. She then gathered a flab of flesh and gave him on almighty pinch. Uncle Chester leaped 5-feet in the air smashing his head on the panelling above.

UNCLE CHESTER(vex)

“Ah weh di Raas-Claat yu tink yu ah do?”

Due to pain, shock plus the copious amount of booze consumed. Uncle Chester turned his backside towards Mampie and accidentally emitted a Beef-Patty scented fart directly into her face.

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. (Continuous)

MAMPIE

“Woyoy! Chester yu cut-fart pon mi! Ah gwaan batta-batta yu inside ya today.”

Before Mampie could stab Uncle Chester in his left earlobe with her Airline issued Plastic Knife a sudden interruption occurred.

FLIGHT CAPTAIN.

“Ladies and Gentlemen is there a Doctor or Nurse on the Plane?”

A white, blond haired, blue eye English woman sitting in row G-34 had gone into convulsions.

To be Con't.

SIGNAL DI PLANE!

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. After all that drama on the way too Airport to collect my Uncle Chester, with my mum getting a ticket for driving to slow on the Freeway and Dad being arrested by the same office for being rude, it's looks like my Uncle Chester is is about to encounter his own problems on the flight. Read on. 

Cut to:

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:00am

FLIGHT CAPTAIN(VO).

“Ladies and Gentlemen thanks for flying Air Jamaica. Flight Attendants please prepare for Landing.”

Alarmed by the Captain’s promptitude my Uncle Chester’s future intended Wife Mampie panicked. Mampie suffered from illiteracy and couldn’t fill out her Customs and Visa forms. During the 10 hour fight Uncle Chester had devoured 2 bottles of Champagne, 1 bottle of White Rum and 25 Red-Stripes. Deep Sleep was his only option.

 

Cut to: Con't

Int: Air Jamaica, Airbus A340. 10:15am

FLIGHT CAPTAIN(VO).

“Ladies and Gentlemen air traffic control has notified me that there will be a slight delay.”

AIR HOSTESS(VO).

“Passengers please make sure your Visa and Customs forms are completed correctly.”

Excessive amounts of sweat began to gush from Mampie’s armpits and Forehead. How was she going to wake the drunken comatose Uncle Chester? When your Raised in the ghetto’s of Kingston and you have problems sometimes the only option is violence.

 

To Be Con't.

INTER-GALACTIC LEG-MAN! (Part 1).

Cheers Citizens of Chocko-Blocko! Uncle Chester here and Inter-Galactic Leg Man Business is I-man Game. Yea dats rights I-man deal wid Raw-Chaw World News. Most news permeates from ah rum-bar and todays edition is beamed live and direct from ah little Palm-Wine Bar five minutes from Ozzie-Man Bin Laden lavish crib in di heart of Abbottaba. 
Dub-Dub Ali Moser has owned "Palm-Fan-Fan-Oasis" Bar for 20 years and dis is the story he told your truly......
"F-----K me! Sorry for swearing Allah, but I've had too many-many Palm wines....'Burp-Burp'.... Ozzie Bin Laden was one of my best costumers. Yea he used to drink in here with some local Al-Qaeda bad boys and Pakistani Army Generals. The Bloody Army General always got out of hand due to there excessive intake of Johnny Walker Whiskey. Now we have it from a good source that one of the Al-Qaeda chaps was a undercover CIA agent, also hours before Ozzie was in my Bar drinking Palm Wine with pretty Blond who we're told was also a undercover CIA male agent in Drag....Can you Bloody believe that? Ozzie left staggering hugging this Drag artiste vowing to make her his 20th wife."

I-man decided to stop Dub-Dub because that type of False inflammatory information could cause dis ya Inter-Galactic Leg-Man a hole heap of trouble!!!!!

"Dub-Dub were running out of time but could you tell us was if Mr Bin Laden attempted to resist being captured?"

Dub-Dub replied, "Are you Bloody crazy Chester? How can a Man resist being captured by ten highly trained USA Navy-Whales with only one Sliver-tooth and an 10 inch Erection.........."

Well Citizens of Chocko-Blocko there you have it from a reputed champion Bar owner in Abbottaba of what he believes happened that fateful day. Cheers! Drink-up and drive home safely this is Uncle Chester your Inter-Galactic Leg-Man. 

MY DAD GOT ARRESTED.

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. Real sorry about not postings your mystic ode yesterday but I just had to reflect on state of the present world affairs. As The late great Bob Marley once sung "We've got some much tings to say right now...".

The great news is my Uncle Chester has volunteered to become VASTAMAN-VIBRATIONS very own "Inter-Galactic Long-Leg Man." Live and direct from his infamous "Uncle Chester's Rum-Bar" in the Heart of Chocko-Blocko he'll bring you the Citizens news, views and his own quirky analysis on world affairs.

OK lets continue our Mystic journey beyond ecosphere as we know it:

I am on the way to the Airport to collect my Uncle Chester returning back from a 6 month break in Jamaica. My Mother Mamma mention is cruising 15mph in the fast lane along the highway, my Father Daddy-Buster is drunk plus being a pain in the arse and i am acting like Mills Lane the revered boxing referee, having to prevent my parents for killing each other............O yea nearly forgot, we've just been pull over by a cop and my Father has is about to receive a gift from John-Law.

Ext: A40 Hard-Shoulder. 10:00am

DADDY BUSTER is known in the Choco-Blocko community as the King of Backchat. Meaning that he will always answer you back.

 

POLICE OFFICER.

I am going to have to issue you with a ticket for reckless driving Mrs Mention and your Husband is being arrested for insulting a Police Officer. Now if you’ve really got a plane to meet I suggest you and your son leave immediately.

CUT TO:

Int: Car: A40 Highway. 10:09am

It’s never nice to see your own Father Pepper spayed and then handcuffed. I suppose Head butting & kneeing a Police officer in the nut-sack should constitute some form of restraint. My Dad nearly brought unwanted attention on me, plus he was pissing my Mamma-Mention off so we were happy to see the back of him. Next stop the Airport.

To be Con't....

DRIVE BY CHOCKO-BLOCKO.

Greetings Citizens of Chocko-Blocko. Be prepared to enter my world of Good & Evil, I am not trying to be grim and i shall not deceive or fill you with false illusions. My life is a Script you my Friends and Citizens are directors and players. Welcome again to fictional city of Chocko-Blocko and Welcome to the world of VASTAMAN 'Jamaica's first superhero'.

There's so much more to explain about my acquired mystic status but for now let me just Blog-Opera my profane life ode's to one all. Daily i'll Blog-Opera my mystic journey towards Resurrection and Superhero staus but i'll always endeveour to Blog-comment on Topicical events which continusly eminates from our ever orbital Earth. Just like City of Abbottabad in Pakistan, Camden Town in London City, Flatbush in New York City, Mitaka, in Tokyo City, Badagry in the City of Lagos, Half way Tree in Kingston City Jamaica, West Hollywood in Los Angeles, and even Dubna in the City of Moscow, Vastaman's city of Chocko-Clocko is just like any urban City.

Best of luck in BLOG-OPERA, Visit any time your now a Citizen, air your views, get invovled,  just make yourself feel at home this is your city and did someone just mention Bin-Laden???? 

Drive By;

Int: Car, A40 Highway. 8:00 am.

On the Streets off Choco-Blocko citizens call me Vastaman. My Mother, Mama Mention, named me after my father so whenever my parents bellow my name they address me as Junior. Who gives a damn I hear you ask? I do! Because the citizens of Choco-Blocko plus Mama Mention call my father Daddy Buster. Confused? You will be.

CUT TO:

Int: Car: A40 Highway. 8:00am. (Continuous)

DADDY BUSTER

Press-gas di plane soon Land. Your driving like Gaddafi impose sanctions? Drive faster woman!

MAMA MENTION

Junior tell you fada fi shout-up.

VASTAMAN

Mum can you stop calling me Junior.

MAMA MENTION

But me name you after you fada.

VASTAMAN

Yea and you hate him.

DADDY BUSTER

Listen Woman, me know dat yu  hate my guts but you CANNOT drive 10mph in the 80mph fast land!

MAMA MENTION

Junior ask you fada why I hate him.

VASTAMAN

After you answer the Police. They’re signalling you to pull over.

CUT TO:

Int: Car: A40 Hard-Shoulder. 8:45am.

Back in 1998 i served 3 years in prison for smuggling 1 pound of High grade ganga from Amsterdam. Ever since my release I’ve kept my Hustle tight. For instance it came has no surprise to me that my illegal Dutch activities were being monitored by a member of the Choco-Blocko community. What we call a RAT! I just want keep my nose clean, keep out of trouble. Now the Cop's are pulling my 65 year old Mother over for driving to slow. 

CUT TO:

Ext: A40 Hard-Shoulder. 8:55am.

POLICE OFFICER

Do you normally Drink Overproof Jamaican White Rum at this time of the Morning Sir?

DADDY BUSTER.

Yea Man! Yu done nuh….Burp! Yu ever drink ‘Reel-Up-Tan-Pon-It-Long-Depth-Charge-Run-Up-And-Down-Pickeny-Come-Down-And-Magnum?’ Burp!

POLICE OFFICER.

Pardon? Don’t get lippy with me Son.

DADDY BUSTER.

Mi look like yu Daddy?

POLICE OFFICER.

Step out of the Car and keep your hands where i can see them.

CUT.

To be Con't.